Adventures of Elfie: Day 2

Today, the kids found Elfie hanging from the dining room light! They were worried his arms would be sore tomorrow after hanging up there all day.

Jackson went downstairs first this morning and yelled, "Mom, you have to see this! Come down here right now!" When I asked him what was the matter, he said, "Elfie is hanging from the light!" I love the excitement Elfie brings out in our kids. 

At supper, we read Day 2 in our advent book. Since we didn't make the angel for the tree last night, Madelyn worked on that and Jackson made the sheep that went with today's reading. 

This is our Advent tree where we will hang the ornaments we make from the book. Not all the activities are crafts, however. The kids enjoyed hanging their ornament tonight. I hope it will be a special reminder of the stories we read this season.

Tomorrow, we will start our advent calendar. I got the idea from Pinterest last year. 

I used a 24-cup mini muffin pan and filled each cup with a treat for both kids. This year, I decided to add in a Christmas/family activity for each day. That brilliant idea (from pinterest, of course) came to me last night, so hopefully it will be worth all the planning! On the top of each cup is a magnet covered in paper with a number for each day. I'm excited for all the activities we have planned!

Come back tomorrow to see what Advent activities we are doing and what Elfie is up to!

Adventures of Elfie: Day 1

He's back!!

Elfie showed up this morning on the kitchen counter. He had a note for the kids and set out pancake mix, sprinkles, a mixing bowl and was holding a spatula. The note said we should celebrate his arrival with pancakes like they have in the North Pole...with sprinkles!

The kids were so excited to see him! Jackson was eager to try pancakes with sprinkles and ate every bite.

They both wanted to touch him, but refrained when I reminded them that he would lose his magic. They gave Elfie some ideas about where to hide and showed him new things they have learned since last Christmas. Madelyn used the potty all by herself a few times and Jackson cleaned up the living room in record time :) 

At supper tonight, we started our new advent devotional book. 

You can buy it at Christianbook.com here.

We had been reading a verse from the Bible every night, but I wanted to start the story of Christmas after Thanksgiving. 

This book begins with a scripture passage written in a language children can understand and follows with a prayer. There is also an activity that connects to the story at the end. Tonight, the activity was to make an angel and hang it on the tree. Because we had a late supper and I didn't plan ahead, we are going to do that after church tomorrow. 

We also started a bedtime Christmas book that has a scripture passage, story, prayer and poem. The kids loved it and begged to read two. Good thing there are so many stories... Who could say no to that? :)

The big question as they were getting ready for bed was: Where will Elfie be hiding in the morning?

It's never really "over".

I really thought that after the procedure, it would be over. I thought that we would slowly move on and continue with our lives. I was feeling empty inside after the surgery, but felt at peace being able to name Kailyn and have a bit of closure. I was ready to move forward.

On Tuesday, the day after surgery, I got a call from our family practitioner. She delivered Jackson and Madelyn and is their pediatrician as well as my primary care doctor. She had decided to quit OB when I was pregnant with Madelyn. Madelyn was actually her last delivery. It was 5:05pm and I was shocked that she called me personally. She said she had received notice of my surgery and was shocked. She pulled up my chart and read about what had happened. She offered her condolences and asked how I was feeling. I shared a summarized version of what had happened and she told me to call if I needed anything. It really meant a lot to me that she took time to call me (after hours). We have been blessed with amazing doctors!

Wednesday (the second day after surgery), I felt awful. I was nauseous, exhausted and emotionally drained. I picked Jackson up from school that afternoon. It was the first time I had been to school since our appointment when we found out we had lost her. It was awkward. I don't know how else to explain it. Most people knew that we had lost our baby. However, I felt like I couldn't make eye contact with anyone. I wanted to be invisible. A good friend of mine who is a teacher at the school, touched my shoulder, smiled and said: I'm not going to say anything, but its good to see you. I smiled back and thanked her. Other people smiled at me with an "I'm sorry" smile. I really didn't know how people would react. Or how I was going to act. It meant a lot to me that my friend didn't ignore me or treat me like nothing happened. We left school and headed home.

Our pastor called the next week to see how we were doing and asked if we had heard from the funeral home. We hadn't so he offered to call and see if they had received our baby from the hospital. They called Brandon later that day and said that they had our baby and would move forward with cremation as soon as we filled out the paperwork. The paperwork was generic paperwork that you would fill out if an adult had passed away. There was so much information to read and places to sign. I did my best to fill out the forms and emailed it to them on Friday afternoon. They called about 20 minutes later and confirmed that they had received the paperwork and would send her to the crematory to be cremated that afternoon. I obviously knew that she was going to be cremated, but to hear them say that it was going to be done that day was really difficult. The lady explained that we could come in and pick out an urn the next week. I got off the phone with them and just sat in the chair and cried. Why did we have to go through this? 

Brandon was able to take time off the next Thursday, so we went in as a family to pick out an urn. I really had no idea what our options would be. We met with the lady I talked to on the phone and she led us downstairs. As we got to the bottom of the stairs, I could see coffins. The room was full of coffins. I had to take a deep breath to control my emotions at that point. My kids have never been to a funeral, so they didn't know what they were looking at. Jackson asked if they were beds and I wasn't going to explain to him what they were so I just said, "kind of". She lead us to the urns. There were large urns along one wall and in the corner were "memory" urns. They were meant for people to take a part of a loved one home. They were no bigger than 3 inches. She explained that the memory urns were the size we would need. The cheap ones were marble and just not what I had imagined. Below them were hearts. Madelyn picked up the brushed nickel heart and said, "we have this one?". Jackson agreed. It was more expensive than the basic ones, but Brandon said not to look at the price but pick one that we all like. We all agreed that the heart would be perfect for Kailyn. The lady prepared the urn with Kailyn's ashes and we finally were able to bring her home.

In the car, I held her. The urn was so much more beautiful than I had imagined. Both Brandon and I agreed that we were not ready to bury her. Because it was so beautiful, we decided to keep it on our dresser. Brandon said it was the only way we would ever be able to hold her. Our kids give her a kiss and say goodnight to her every night. They did that all on their own. It melts my heart every time. 

The next week, I had my follow-up appointment. I had no idea how hard it was going to be. Driving up to the clinic, I started to break down in the car. The last time I had been there, was probably the worst day of my life. I checked in and went to sit in the waiting room. There were three other ladies in there obviously pregnant. I thought about how lucky they were to have carried their babies as far as they had and hoped that they had an appointment with good news...nothing like my last appointment. A nurse called me back within minutes. She shut the curtain in our little room and said, "I wanted to get you out of that waiting room as soon as possible." I thanked her and she continued to share that she had been through a loss and remembers how hard it was to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women. She asked a lot of questions about how I was doing physically and emotionally. She shared different opportunities and groups in Fargo that could help us with our loss. She told me that it was perfectly fine to get our baby a stocking for Christmas or break down when walking past the baby section at Target. She told me that October was Infant Loss Awareness Month and that we could light a candle for our baby on the 15th.

Our candle for Kailyn on October 15th

The nurse said she wanted to make sure she documented everything in the computer so I didn't have to explain what happened every time I went in. She asked how we had found out she had passed, the date of surgery, if we knew the sex and what we named her. I told her we named her Kailyn Corine and tears started to fall down my face. She asked me to spell her name and all I could get out was "K, a, i..." before I broke down. She rubbed my leg and told me it was ok, that I could take all the time I needed. I took a breath and finished spelling her name. She had all the information she needed, but there was not an exam room open yet. However, she said she didn't want me to have to sit in the general waiting room, so she brought me to a chair in the hallway where I could sit and have some privacy. I was amazed at the compassion and warmth that all of the nurses we have had the privilege to be with had shown to me. They were so sympathetic and genuine. 

A room was finally ready. I waited for a while in the room before the doctor came in. We talked about how I was feeling, then she wanted to go over the test results from my blood work. Only one test came back positive, but it was one that could be of concern. I tested positive for Factor V Leiden. My dad's side of the family has a history of blood clots, so this was not a huge surprise to me. The result came out as a homozygous, low risk mutation. She believes that it was not the cause but explained that what can happen with women with Factor V is that a blood clot can develop in the placenta. Because I have had two other perfectly normal pregnancies, she didn't believe that we needed to do anything about it at this point. She said that if I lost another one (which I can't even imagine having to go through again) that we would look at options like blood thinners. She said I could take a baby aspirin when we get pregnant again just as a precaution, but that there is no proof that it actually does anything. I guess we will just see what happens. 

There were so many more emotional hurdles we had to go through after the procedure than I was prepared for. It seemed like I would take two steps forward, then take one step back. One day, things seem normal, then we would have to fill out cremation papers, pick out the urn or go to a follow-up appointment. Now, a little over a month later, I feel like things are starting to slow down. I think the next hurdle will be receiving the bill from the hospital. Just another reminder of what we went through. Then, if we are fortunate enough to get pregnant again, we will have more appointments and ultrasounds than we have had in the past. I know I will go into each appointment apprehensive about what we will find out. It's never really going to be "over". But, if we have to go through this, I am so glad I have my husband, family and friends. The support we have received has been overwhelming. I know Kailyn has touched many lives in her very short life. That means so much to me. I am honored that God chose me to be her mom even though I never got to hold her.

Baby Kailyn Corine: Our last day together

The day I had been dreading had finally come. It was Monday and we needed to be at the Same Day Surgery Center by 10am for my 11:40 surgery. I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything after midnight, so my nervous stomach was empty when I went to take my shower in the morning. Brandon and I watched TV to kill some time, trying to take our mind off of the inevitable. The walk to the car was hard. I was feeling ok getting ready at home, but once we started walking, I could no longer be strong. I cried silently in the car, curled up in a ball and leaned up against the window for the first half of the drive. Brandon held my hand and we drove in silence. Once we arrived at the Same Day Surgery building, I took a deep breath and got out of the car. Brandon and I held hands as we slowly walked in.

Brandon's mom was already there. She was going to sit with Brandon while I was in surgery. The lady at the desk was extra cheery that morning. I think it was her way of trying to help us feel comfortable, but it was way too overwhelming. I answered her questions and the other receptionist took Brandon aside and explained what his schedule would look like for the day. After we were checked in, we walked over to sit by Brandon's mom. She stood up and we hugged. I could no longer control my emotions. Here we were, going to say goodbye to the baby we never got to meet. I wasn't ready, but I don't think I would ever have been ready. Before I could even sit down, a nurse came out and called me back. She said I had to go in by myself for the first half hour while they got me changed and prepped for surgery. I really wanted Brandon to be with me the whole time, but she insisted there was not room.

Once we got to the room, I realized why he couldn't come with. In the room was a recliner and a lamp. An extra chair was shoved in the corner by the door. There was barely any room for me and the nurse. I answered a few questions, then received instructions on how to put on the operating gown. After I was dressed, she put on my blood pressure cuff, hooked up the heater to my gown and covered me with warm blankets. She explained that I needed to be warm for surgery. I sat in the recliner for a while, warming up, watching TV. Another nurse came in and asked me even more questions. After some time and a warm glove, she was able to get the IV into my hand. When that was over with, she went to go get Brandon. He walked in with his mom and our pastor. The tiny little room was packed. However, it was nice to have company. We chatted about our kids and his grand kids. My doctor peeked her head in and asked if I was ready. I wasn't, but I shook my head yes. She explained that we still had a few minutes, but shortly, I would be sent to the OR. She rubbed my feet and gave me an "its going to be ok" smile. I am so glad she was the one doing the procedure. Even though I only had 3 appointments with her, she is a fantastic, compassionate doctor and I was relieved she was there.

Another nurse came in and went through our options for the "remains". Brandon and I were already aware of our options, but were told we had a month after the procedure to make a decision. I'm glad we talked about it beforehand because we needed to make a decision right there. We told her we would like our baby to go to a funeral home. She said she would take care of calling them and that once they received our baby, they would give us a call about what we wanted to do. I had been meaning to call the funeral home before the procedure, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was relieved that she was going to take care of that for us. She helped me to the bathroom and we went back into the room to pray. Our pastor prayed a beautiful prayer, asking God to help me feel His presence during surgery and to wrap his arms around our baby. The image of God wrapping his arms around our baby was powerful. I smiled while tears dripped off of my face. We prayed the Lord's Prayer together. Then, it was time to go. I hugged my pastor and mother-in-law and thanked them for being there for us. Then I hugged my husband. I was trying to be strong, but once again my emotions took over.

I walked down the hall with the nurse. She told me that she had been through the same thing we were going through. She said, "I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is hard, but I promise you, it does get easier with time." She opened the door and we were in the operating room. I think there were 4 people in the room. They were all suited up with masks and hair nets. The anesthesiologist told me to lay down on the table. There were boards for each of my arms to go on. Tears were pouring out of my eyes as I look up at the lights. This is it. This is the end. My doctor came up to me and started rubbing my arm. She said I will be asleep soon, but kept rubbing my arm and stayed by my side. I felt a burning sensation in my hand, which the anesthesiologist explained was the drugs starting to enter my body. He put an oxygen mask on my face and told me to take 4 deep breaths. After the four breaths, I was still awake. However, I only remember breathing in one more time...

It was really hard to open my eyes. I was in a different room and a nurse was right next to me typing in the computer. She looked over at me and said "Hi Erin, how are you feeling?" I felt fine. I was still really tired and just laid there, trying to wake up. I felt some cramping in my stomach, so she went to get me a warm blanket to place on top. I saw a water cup with my name on it and asked if I could have some. My throat was really scratchy and I could hardly talk. She explained it was because of the breathing tube they inserted during surgery. I guzzled the water (It was 1:15pm and I hadn't had anything to drink since 11:30pm the night before). It tasted really good. I had to wait in the post-op room until a spot opened up in the recovery room. Brandon could join me in the recovery room, so I was anxious to get back there. My doctor came over and asked me how I was doing. She explained that everything went well. By some miracle, our baby came out in tact and she was able to examine the spine and other parts. She told me the baby had 10 fingers and 10 toes. In her words, she said the baby was perfect. Then, to my surprise, she said that she told Brandon, with confidence, that she knew the sex of the baby. I wanted to know so bad, but she said that Brandon wanted to tell me. Everything she said was music to my ears. Although this was such an awful day, knowing that our baby came out whole and we could give him/her a name gave me a sense of peace. Now, I was super excited to get back to the recovery room!

Finally, the nurse came back and said a spot opened up. She wheeled me back there and got my cinnamon raisin toast ready. It was delicious. Brandon had left for lunch, but the nurse said the receptionist would send him right back to recovery when he got back. About 5 minutes later, he walked in. My cramps went away after I finished my toast. He asked how I was doing and my only complaint was my throat. I told him what the doctor said and anxiously awaited his answer. Our baby was a girl. I knew in my heart she was a girl, but hearing him say it and knowing we could name her was such a relief. We decided to name her Kailyn, as that was the girl name we had already picked out for this baby. We hadn't discussed middle names yet, but at least we could stop calling our baby "it" and refer to her as "she", "her" or Kailyn. The nurse took me to the bathroom and I got dressed. Shortly, we were released. We walked out the parking lot and told Brandon's mom that the baby was a girl and that her name is Kailyn.

On the way home, we stopped at DQ. I needed something more than toast in my stomach and thought a chocolate malt would both sooth my throat and fill my tummy. I text my family about the surgery and told them the good news we learned about baby Kailyn. I was so glad that they didn't find anything wrong with her. Brandon and I really want to have another baby and if there was something wrong, we would worry about trying for another one. I realize that there was something wrong, but it was not anything that could be explained by the doctors. To me, it is a sign that God had plans for her up in Heaven.

We came home to our quiet house. The kids were still at my parents' house and wouldn't be back until later that afternoon. We talked about middle names and decided on Corine. My great grandmother's name was Corine and I've always thought it was a beautiful name. She is the only great grandparent that I ever had the chance to meet. We thought it went beautifully with Kailyn.

I decided to take a nap and Brandon went to do a few things outside in the yard. A nap was a good idea, but I couldn't sleep. Once again, my mind was going 100 miles an hour. On the way home, we were talking about planting a tree in memory of baby Kailyn and burying her there. We were going to take down a big tree that almost blew over in a storm a few weeks ago. In place of that tree, we want to plant a tree that is beautiful in the fall. I want the tree/memorial to be beautiful because I know that our baby Kailyn was beautiful. We could plant flowers around it with the kids each spring, remembering the baby we never got to hold. My fear is that we will stop talking about Kailyn. By having a beautiful tree in our yard, we will be reminded of angel baby every time we look at it. During my "nap", I envisioned the tree and the landscaping around it. I hope it turns out as beautiful as it is in my mind.

Mom brought the kids over and Brandon put a pizza in the oven for dinner. Since my attempt at a nap was unsuccessful, I came downstairs for supper. We told the kids that the baby in mommy's tummy was a girl, their sister, and we named her Kailyn Corine. Throughout the evening, Madelyn kept asking if I had a baby in my tummy. It was difficult to keep telling her no and explaining why. How do you explain to a two year old that their baby sister, whom they never had the chance to meet but wanted very much to be her big sister, had died and was no longer in mommy's tummy? I explained that Kailyn had died and is now living with God in Heaven. Then the conversation switched to questions about Heaven. When will we go? Will Kailyn always be a baby or will she grow up in Heaven (this was Jackson's question - he amazes me)? Will we get to hold her? Who will she play with? Are there toys in Heaven? How did she get up there? Where is Heaven? Although I didn't know the answers to most of the questions (I don't think anyone does, actually), I took a few moments to imagine like a child. We shared our ideas about what we thought Heaven would be like. I imagined going through the golden gates, Kailyn running towards me with her arms open and finally being able to hold her close. It brings me to tears to think about, but at the same time, fills my heart with joy.

We put the kids to bed, snuggled them a bit tighter and gave them extra kisses and hugs. Life was beginning to go back to "normal."

Baby Kailyn Corine: Trying to understand

After waking up at 4am and crying in bed for an hour, I decided to go downstairs and write an email to my doctor's office. I explained that we had made a decision to forward and have a D and E. I had a few questions about it and told them I wanted to schedule it as soon as possible, but we wanted to avoid Friday as that was Brandon's birthday. They called later that afternoon to answer my questions. Since it was already Wednesday afternoon and they were not able to get me in on Thursday, we had to wait for Monday. It scared me to think that the baby might come when I was at home. The fact that it could happen any time really worried me. I discussed this fear with the nurse on the phone and she explained how it usually happens, what to expect and where to go if it does happen. At least I knew what to do.

Our pastor came over later that morning to pray and talk with us. Their family had been through two losses and it was nice to talk to someone who had been through what we are going through. He assured us that it gets better, but that the day of the procedure would be one of the worst days. He prayed a beautiful prayer and told us he would be at the hospital before I went in the OR. That evening, my sister and her husband brought over supper. Just as we were sitting down to eat, our pastor's wife brought over another supper. She shared with us a comment someone made to her while she was going through a loss that helped her. She said, some day, when we go to heaven, we will get to name our baby. One thing I really wanted was to know the sex of our baby so we could name him or her. Knowing I still would have that chance was something I could hold on to. It was great to talk to my sister about our experience. It was also fun to hear our kids laughing in the living room with Brandon and their uncle. Their laughter and pure joy fills my heart.

Once again, that night I was able to fall asleep, but woke up at 4am again. Instead of laying in bed thinking, I decided to start writing about what happened. I started a post on Facebook, carefully choosing my words, trying to describe what had happened. Putting our experience into words helped me talk about it later. I waited to post it until I was sure I was ready. Once I hit "post", I felt a sense of relief. Our story was out there and it was no longer a secret. Here is the post from Facebook:

The comments we received were overwhelming. 107 people sent us their thoughts and prayers just on this post. I also received several texts and private messages from close friends and family as well as friends I have not seen or talked to in years. This overwhelming support touched my heart in so many ways. I did not write this post so people felt sorry for us. I wrote it for me, for our baby, so our story could be told. I did not want to hide it, sit at home and feel sorry for myself or pretend it didn't happen. It happened and I wanted to talk about it. 

Sanford called several times today. They called to confirm my appointment on Monday, but also said another nurse would be calling on Friday to give me the exact time. Another nurse called to go over some of my medical history. It was emotionally draining to talk on the phone. Every time a nurse said they were so sorry for our loss, it was hard to choke back the tears and thank them. I know they mean well and are sad for us, but it is hard to hear those words over and over.

My mom came over during Madelyn's nap and visited with me. I was beginning to accept what had happened, but still would break down at times. Sometimes I could talk about it without any tears, but other times, just thinking about what happened would push me over the edge. It was an emotional roller coaster and I didn't know if I would ever get off the ride.

Friday was Brandon's 30th birthday. The kids get so excited about birthdays and don't understand why mom and dad don't have parties when we have birthdays! We baked and decorated cupcakes, blew up balloons, wrapped his presents and signed his cards. I wanted to make his birthday as happy as possible at this time. It was also homecoming in Kindred, so we took the kids to the parade. I didn't want them to miss it as they were so excited earlier that week to go. I was afraid to go out in public. I wasn't ready for hugs or talking to too many people. My wound was still really fresh and I was feeling broken. However, it was nice to get out of the house and do something fun with the kids. My mom picked up spaghetti dinners to go and we ate at our house. Brandon's parents also came over, so we had cupcakes and sang "Happy Birthday" to Brandon. The kids were excited that we were having a "party"!

We read books in our bed, like we usually do, as a family, said prayers together and tucked in the kids. When I went to kiss them goodnight when we were finally ready for bed, they both had their hands above their heads like our baby did in the ultrasound. That was all it took for me to lose it again.

On Saturday, my mom, sister and I went to the Junk Market. I had been looking forward to the Junk Market for a long time and thought it might take my mind off of this situation for a bit. We all came home with some cool junk and had a lot of fun. Mom dropped me off and ended up staying and talking for almost three hours. Mom and dad were going out for supper because it was their anniversary. Brandon called and said his parents would keep the kids overnight if we wanted to go out for supper for his birthday. After stopping at several steak houses, then leaving because it was an hour or more wait, we ended up at Season's at Rose Creek. We had a lovely meal and enjoyed some much needed alone time.

I noticed that my stomach was shrinking. I no longer had my baby bump and actually wore one of my regular shirts when Brandon and I went out. My rapidly shrinking stomach makes me believe that our baby was just small and didn't actually pass when I was 14 weeks like the doctor thought. The first time I noticed I was shrinking/not growing was about a week before we went in for my 17 week appointment. I keep thinking about Labor Day weekend when I felt the baby move for the first and only time. I know what I felt was the baby and believe that it was just smaller than average. It is hard to look in the mirror and see my stomach return to normal. Any other time, I would be super excited to have a shrinking stomach, but this time, I would give anything to have my bump back. I knew it would be even smaller after Monday and that was difficult to think about.

We decided not to go to church on Sunday. I wasn't ready to talk to too many people and knew I would get a lot of hugs that would just make me cry. The next day was my surgery and I just wanted to be home and "enjoy" my last day with my baby. Brandon went to work for a few hours, so the kids and I tried to clean up the house a bit. Mom picked up the kids later that afternoon. They were going to stay overnight so they wouldn't have to see us leave in the morning. I wasn't sure what I would feel like in the morning getting ready  to go for the surgery.

I was having a hard time letting go. When other friends have been through this same thing, I always thought to myself how awful it would be to have a deceased baby inside. However, when it happened to me, I felt just the opposite. I wanted that baby inside of me. I wasn't ready to let go. I knew that after my surgery, that was it. I wouldn't be pregnant anymore and I wouldn't ever feel this baby again. On one hand, I wanted it to be over because I was constantly worrying that the baby would pass at home. On the other hand, I wanted to keep it close to me. I slept a total of 2 hours that night, mostly made up of short 10-20 minute naps. So many things were going through my head and I just couldn't relax. Morning was going to come quickly and I felt there was nothing I could do that could prepare me for what was going to happen...

Baby Kailyn Corine: What a parent fears most

On Tuesday, September 16th, I went in for my next check-up at 17 weeks 2 days. Brandon stayed home to watch the kids since my mom was going to a funeral and his mom had to work. I was a little nervous for this appointment since I had only felt the baby move one time two weeks ago on Labor Day weekend, then never again. However, when I mentioned it to the doctor, she said that it is totally normal right now to not feel consistent movement. I was only up one pound and my blood pressure was 110/70. We discussed my next appointment, which would be my 20 week ultrasound. She wanted to know if we were finding out the gender, but I told her we were still debating on that issue. I told her about my lower back pain I was having along with a shooting pain every once in a while. She said it was sciatic nerve pain, which was good because it meant my uterus was growing. She told me to hop up on the table so we could check the heartbeat and then I could be on my way.

It wasn't that simple. She squirted some warm jelly on my belly and began to move the Doppler around. All I could hear was my own heartbeat slowly getting faster and faster. We were both silent while she continued to move it around. She shut it off and said not to worry. She was going to get the ultrasound machine to find the baby since it was being "difficult" today. She was back in a couple seconds and we tried again. However, this time, there was no sound at all. Baby showed up on the screen right away, but it was silent. Doctor T was also silent. She zoomed in and out, tried the Doppler on the same spot, zoomed in even more, then looked at me. Tears were welling up in my eyes because I knew what was going on. She said, "Erin, I am not finding a heartbeat. This is a crapy ultrasound, but it's just not picking anything up." I shook my head, understanding what she was saying, but not wanting to believe it. She shut off the machine and helped me sit up. She explained that she was going to run over to the ultrasound area and see if they could get me in right away to confirm. Tears were now rolling of my face, while I silently cried. She came over to give me a hug and I lost it. I held on to her so tightly and sobbed. I remember her saying, "Oh Erin, I am so sorry." When I finally let her go, her face was red and tears were streaming down her face. She told me to call my husband to see if he could rush up here to be with me while she ran down to the ultrasound area.

Brandon answered right away. I'm sure he thought my appointment was over and I was going to fill him in on how strong the heartbeat was and that I only gained one pound. He said hi and I was able to whisper hi back. Then there was silence. It took all of my strength to say, "we lost our baby". The second those words came out of my mouth, I lost it. He whispered, "Oh no...". Then told me he was going to call his dad to come over and watch the kids and that he would be at the clinic as soon as he could. I was so relieved to know he would be there with me.

Doctor T was back right after we hung up. She said they could see me right away. I met the ultrasound tech and sat in the chair by the bed in the dark room. She said she had to wait until the order went through before we could do anything. I sat there for at least 10 minutes until she finally told me I could lay down. I was trying to take deep breaths while she started up the machine and prepared my belly for the ultrasound. She asked if I wanted the screen on and I said yes. She told me she could turn it off anytime if it was too much. Then there it was, our little baby. I focused on the screen, praying to see the straight line at the bottom start to move. Praying that this couldn't be real. Then, all of a sudden, I felt a moment of peace. I stared at my baby, looking at its profile, smiling because I could see it's hands were above its head. It reminded me of how Jackson and Madelyn sleep. I was able to count all ten fingers on its hands. Baby looked so peaceful laying there. The image of my little one at that moment is forever in my memory.

All of a sudden, the screen went black. The tech said, "I'm so sorry." It was over. I asked her if she could see if it was a boy or a girl and she told me it was just too small and apologized again. I wiped off the extra jelly, pulled up my maternity pants and was told I could wait in the chair again while she went to see if my doctor was ready to see me. I literally waited in that chair for 20 minutes. It didn't seem like 20 minutes, but I kept watching the clock, the looking at the screen saver on the computer, thinking about how we were going to tell the kids, wanting to start making phone calls, but not knowing when she was coming back. Finally, there was a knock at the door and a different nurse peeked in and asked me what my name was. She opened the door a little further and let Brandon in. I stood up and hugged him with no plans to let go. We cried together. I felt a sense of relief, knowing I didn't have to do anymore of this by myself. We sat down and held hands. I told him about the ultrasound and how peaceful the baby was. I was sad he didn't get to see our baby one last time. I didn't even think to ask her to print a few pictures out.  It all happened so quickly, yet time seemed to stand still.

Finally, Dr. T was ready to meet with us. She first told us what they were able to find out during the ultrasound. Although I was 17 weeks along, baby's arms and legs measured 13 weeks, chest measured 14 weeks and head measured 14 weeks 5 days. She said it is common for the limbs to stop growing when there is a problem so the important organs can keep growing (heart & brain). She estimated that baby passed away between 14 and 15 weeks. However, Brandon and I believe that since the baby was already almost a week behind during our first ultrasound at 9 weeks, that my weeks and the baby's weeks didn't match up. I know I felt baby move when I was 15 weeks on Labor Day. But, it was the one and only time.

She also discussed our options moving forward. Before we met with her, I wanted to deliver baby in the hospital, as normal as possible. However, she explained that the risks for bleeding and blood clots are very high. With my family history of blood clots, it was really not a safe option for me. Another option was a D and E. It is a surgical procedure used to remove a baby during the second trimester (a D and C is the name of the procedure used in a first trimester loss). Dr. T described this as our safest option because she would make sure she got everything out. The third option was to "wait and see", pass it at home. However, she said it could happen anytime from right then to two months from now. Personally, I would be terrified to pass it at home, knowing not everything would come out and I would end up in the ER. We told her we were leaning toward the D and E. She gave us a little more information on the procedure and what to expect afterwards. She cautioned us that the baby would most likely not be in tact when the procedure was over, but that the remains could given to a funeral home and we could eventually bury our baby. She told us to think it over and call her the next day when we made our decision. She also talked to us about burial options including a commingle burial where all remains from miscarried babies are cremated and buried together in Fargo twice a year. The other option, besides the funeral home, was for the hospital to dispose of the remains. This was not considered as an option for us.

After meeting with our doctor, we met with a nurse who gave us a book and some more information on miscarriage to read when we were ready. She reviewed burial options and expressed her sympathies. Dr. T ordered multiple blood tests to be done, so I was walked down to the lab. When I was called back, the nurse said "So, how is your day going today?" I told her "not very good". She asked why and I tried to get it out before I started to cry, but was unsuccessful. She apologized and told me she would get me out of here as soon as she could. However, my veins are terrible for blood draws, so she tried two times and went to get another nurse. Finally they were successful. Seven tubes of blood later, I was finally free to go. Brandon and I had two cars at the clinic, so we drove home separately. I knew I needed to call my family, but I was still in shock and emotionally drained.

I knew my mom was at a funeral, but tried her phone anyway. No answer. I called my dad, who answered right away. It started out like a normal conversation, then quickly changed. We talked for a while, said I love you, then hung up. I decided to call my sister. No answer. Finally, we were home. We talked about how we would tell the kids. Jeff dropped Madelyn off. Jackson was at preschool. Brandon and I both laid with Madelyn in her twin bed and read books to her before her nap. My sister called back and I broke the news to her. Brandon called his brothers and tried to reach his mom. I called my brother, but he already knew. My dad and Kyle stopped by a little later to see how we were doing. Jackson got off the bus and we sat the kids down at the kitchen counter. I talked to them about what had happened. Trying to give them enough information to understand, but not go into too much detail. Jackson was sad and seemed to understand. Madelyn just kept asking me "where is your baby?"

My sweet, sensitive little 4 year old reminded us that our baby was in heaven with God. He said "God's going to take care of the baby, right?" I knew and believed that too, but hearing him say those words really comforted me. He had a lot of questions about heaven. What was it like? How did the baby get up there? How long is forever? He also had questions about why the baby died. It was hard to answer because we didn't know. I told him that there was probably something wrong with the baby that God needed to fix. He asked if baby was sad and I told him no. He said he was excited to see the baby when he goes to heaven...I smiled and could no longer control the tears welling up in my eyes. They started to fall down my cheek and Jackson said "what is coming out of your eyes, mom?" He gave me a hug and started to stroke my hair. I explained that this was really hard for mommy and that he might see me cry because I'm sad. Our roles reversed for a moment. He was comforting me and I needed it. I asked him if he had any more questions and he said "can we go outside?" It was a beautiful fall day, so we headed outside.

A little while later, my mom came over. Dad had been able to get a hold of her and tell her the news. She was devastated just as we were. I talked with her about everything that happened that day. It felt so good to have my mom. She stayed with us while Brandon went into town to get some food for supper. Brandon's mom came over a little later and helped me get the kids ready for bed while Brandon was outside working on some equipment. She left while we were reading books and talked with Brandon outside. The kids prayed for baby. This was Jackson's prayer: Dear God, please take care of my baby sister...well if it was a girl or a boy... Amen. Brandon came in after prayers, but just in time to tuck them in. I noticed Jackson had tears in his eyes, so I asked him if he was sad. He shook his head yes. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said "I'm just sad that the baby died and I don't get to see it". I gave him a big hug and told him I feel the same way. He asked me if I would lay with him until he fell asleep, which of course I did. It broke my heart to see him so sad. I know how excited he was to have a baby in the house and to be a big brother again. He fell asleep in minutes, but I laid with him for much longer.

Brandon and I talked about our options when we went to bed. We decided to have the D and E and have the remains go to the funeral home. Brandon was going to call our pastor in the morning and rearrange schedules, so he could be close to home. Somehow, I was able to fall asleep. However, I woke up at 4:00 in the morning to go to the bathroom and started thinking about why I had to go...because I was pregnant. I got back to bed and just sobbed. I really didn't know how I was going to get through this nightmare.

Baby Kailyn Corine: Her story begins

Brandon and I found out we were pregnant on June 16th, 2014. We had hoped for a February 2015 baby and our dream came true! I went online to calculate my due date, which came out to be February 22nd 2015. My Grandma celebrated her 100th birthday on Saturday of that week, where we also shared the news with our immediate family. Of course both of our parents were ecstatic to have another grandchild.

My pregnancy was identical to my other two. I occasionally had a queezy stomach that could be cured by eating something. I was very tired, more so with this one, but I assumed it was because I was home with my other two children 24 hours a day. It seemed like we waited forever for our first appointment, but it finally came on July 23rd when I was 9 weeks 3 days. My blood pressure was spot on (110/70) and I had put on five pounds (mostly because I was constantly eating so I would not feel sick). We were so excited to see our little peanut and announce our big news to the rest of our family and friends. Baby measured a bit small, but the doctor said we will keep the due date on February 22nd because I was sure on my dates. Baby's heartbeat was a strong and fast 176 bpm.

After the appointment, Brandon and I went out to eat and talked about how our future will change with a third child. We talked about how we would need a new vehicle, move Madelyn into Jackson's room and where we would put the pack-n-play in our bedroom for the first few weeks after we brought the baby home. Baby was loved so much and we were envisioning our new life, as chaotic as it might be, with him/her. We caught ourselves unable to stop smiling and I remember giggling when we discussed how crazy it could be.

We came home and told our kids the big news. Both of them cheered, smiled and clapped their hands when we told them they would be a big brother and sister. I sent out this announcement to family and friends a couple days later. I love the excitement in their faces!

Madelyn easily transitioned into Jackson's room. Jackson was more than excited to have his sister join him and Madelyn couldn't stop talking about her new "pink bed". Most of the time they are best friends and so far, it has been wonderful having them share a room. I think it turned out pretty cute :)

On August 19th, I had my next 4 week check-up at 13 weeks 2 days. I only gained two pounds and my blood pressure was 112/70. The Doppler picked up the heartbeat right away and Dr. T was very
happy with the strong heartbeat of 160-170 bpm. I was feeling great except for the fatigue and trouble
finding a good spot to sleep. Jackson started preschool two days later. He was so excited to start school!

I used my "free time" in the afternoon while he was at preschool and Madelyn slept to work on my defense for my Master degree that was scheduled for the next week. I passed my defense and received my Master of Education in Teaching and Technology. Everything was lining up and I felt very proud of the things I had accomplished after turning 30 in May.

It seemed a little odd to me that I was not showing as much as I had with Madelyn at this point. People would ask me "when are you going to start showing" or say "I was humongous at 16 weeks". The week before my next 4 week check-up, I asked Brandon if he thought my stomach was getting smaller because I sure felt that way. Here are the only belly pics I took of this pregnancy (12 and 16 weeks):

Life was great.