Today's date was highlighted with a heart around the 22.
Today was the due date of our daughter who we lost back in September at 17 weeks.
Today was supposed to be a day full of joy.
A day spent holding my baby girl.
A day at home snuggling our warm bundle, inhaling that sweet baby smell.
A day where we kissed her sweet head uncountable times and told her how much we loved her.
Today wasn't a bad day. It was actually a very fun day. We flew to Arizona last night and will be spending the next 9 days here. We spent all day outside, playing catch, blowing bubbles, riding trikes and bikes, catching up with my in-laws and playing in the pool. Today was a great day. But something was missing. We are missing the "should have been".
Before we left last night, we all kissed Kailyn's heart urn on our dresser and talked to the kids about how she would have been here now. It was sad, but because we were going to Arizona, it made it a little easier for the kids. Because, frankly, we wouldn't have been able to go this year if she were here.
If I learned anything from our experience with loss, it is that I am not in charge. We planned all three of our children. We planned for them to be born in the winter when Brandon was less busy. We moved Jackson into a big boy bed when Madelyn was on the way and Madelyn into her bed in Jackson's room when Kailyn was on her way. I am a planner. I like to have everything figured out and to be in charge, especially when it comes to our household. I like order, schedules, plans and organization. However, I did not plan for Kailyn to leave us. I did not plan on telling our children their sister had died. I did not plan for the empty feeling and deep sorrow that comes from losing a child.
I learned that God is the only one who has control. God has the plans. It is difficult to trust that losing a child is part of God's plan for me. Why would He take something so precious, so close to my heart, so wanted and loved? That is a question I will never know the answer to. Once I accepted the fact that I cannot change God's plans for me, it made our loss a little easier to handle. It made her short little life have purpose. Although He only gave us a short time with her, we loved her and planned for her just like Jackson and Madelyn. I believe she had a purpose. That means so much to me.
She brought Brandon and I closer. She brought me closer to God, which in turn brought our family closer to God. She taught us that life is precious and not to take anyone for granted. She taught us that we can get through anything as a family. She brought out my hidden enjoyment of writing. Our story helped others who had been through similar situations. She helped me be open about the most personal and difficult moment of my life. She opened up conversation in our house about what Heaven is like. She is thought about every day and I am thankful I was chosen to be her mom, even though I never got the chance to hold her.
When I was walking into the OR just before my D and E, the nurse shared with me that she had been through the same situation. She said, "the pain will lessen over time, but you will never forget your baby." The pain has lessened. I have accepted that she is gone and continue to live my life everyday. But the nurse was right, our baby will never be forgotten. Even if we are blessed with another child, Kailyn will not be forgotten. No one could ever replace her in my heart. There will always be a small hole there for her that will never be healed.
When our pastor came over to visit a few days after we lost her, he prayed that God would wrap His arms around Kailyn in Heaven. When I think about that powerful image of God holding our tiny baby, it gives me great comfort. I often close my eyes and see that image. It is so powerful yet so gentle. I know she is in the best hands and is being watched over by her Father in Heaven. That is something I could not be more grateful about.
Thinking of you today and always, sweet baby.
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