Today's date was highlighted with a heart around the 22.
Today was the due date of our daughter who we lost back in September at 17 weeks.
Today was supposed to be a day full of joy.
A day spent holding my baby girl.
A day at home snuggling our warm bundle, inhaling that sweet baby smell.
A day where we kissed her sweet head uncountable times and told her how much we loved her.
Today wasn't a bad day. It was actually a very fun day. We flew to Arizona last night and will be spending the next 9 days here. We spent all day outside, playing catch, blowing bubbles, riding trikes and bikes, catching up with my in-laws and playing in the pool. Today was a great day. But something was missing. We are missing the "should have been".
Before we left last night, we all kissed Kailyn's heart urn on our dresser and talked to the kids about how she would have been here now. It was sad, but because we were going to Arizona, it made it a little easier for the kids. Because, frankly, we wouldn't have been able to go this year if she were here.
If I learned anything from our experience with loss, it is that I am not in charge. We planned all three of our children. We planned for them to be born in the winter when Brandon was less busy. We moved Jackson into a big boy bed when Madelyn was on the way and Madelyn into her bed in Jackson's room when Kailyn was on her way. I am a planner. I like to have everything figured out and to be in charge, especially when it comes to our household. I like order, schedules, plans and organization. However, I did not plan for Kailyn to leave us. I did not plan on telling our children their sister had died. I did not plan for the empty feeling and deep sorrow that comes from losing a child.
I learned that God is the only one who has control. God has the plans. It is difficult to trust that losing a child is part of God's plan for me. Why would He take something so precious, so close to my heart, so wanted and loved? That is a question I will never know the answer to. Once I accepted the fact that I cannot change God's plans for me, it made our loss a little easier to handle. It made her short little life have purpose. Although He only gave us a short time with her, we loved her and planned for her just like Jackson and Madelyn. I believe she had a purpose. That means so much to me.
She brought Brandon and I closer. She brought me closer to God, which in turn brought our family closer to God. She taught us that life is precious and not to take anyone for granted. She taught us that we can get through anything as a family. She brought out my hidden enjoyment of writing. Our story helped others who had been through similar situations. She helped me be open about the most personal and difficult moment of my life. She opened up conversation in our house about what Heaven is like. She is thought about every day and I am thankful I was chosen to be her mom, even though I never got the chance to hold her.
When I was walking into the OR just before my D and E, the nurse shared with me that she had been through the same situation. She said, "the pain will lessen over time, but you will never forget your baby." The pain has lessened. I have accepted that she is gone and continue to live my life everyday. But the nurse was right, our baby will never be forgotten. Even if we are blessed with another child, Kailyn will not be forgotten. No one could ever replace her in my heart. There will always be a small hole there for her that will never be healed.
When our pastor came over to visit a few days after we lost her, he prayed that God would wrap His arms around Kailyn in Heaven. When I think about that powerful image of God holding our tiny baby, it gives me great comfort. I often close my eyes and see that image. It is so powerful yet so gentle. I know she is in the best hands and is being watched over by her Father in Heaven. That is something I could not be more grateful about.
Thinking of you today and always, sweet baby.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Looking Back on 2014
We have a sick bug roaming around our house, so we decided to stay home for New Years Eve. As I sit here thinking about this past year, I can't help but smile. Here's a recap of of 2014 in the Kub house:
January: Our big guy turned 4. He is a kind-hearted boy who has such a simple, yet deep faith. He is funny, smart and thoughtful. He can play with his farm equipment all day, but also loves to play games and create things with Legos, sand and random things from around the house. He loves his sister who, for the most part, is his best friend.
February: Trip to Arizona. We actually left in January, but came back in February. Brandon's parents have a place down there, so we all flew down to enjoy the sunshine and escape winter for a bit. We went to the Phoenix Zoo, spent time at the pool and visited playgrounds. It was a great trip! I'm so fortunate to have such wonderful in-laws!
March: My sister got married and Madelyn turned two. My sister married her Prince Charming and I had the privilege of standing by her side. Our kids were the ring bearer and flower girl and Brandon was an usher. It was a beautiful day and I got a pretty awesome brother out of the deal!
Madelyn turned two the next week. She is such a sweet little girl who always makes us smile. She loves with all her heart - her brother, mom & dad, animals and her "babies". She will be the most wonderful big sister some day. She loves to dress up, play with her babies and sing in her microphone.
May: I turned the big 3-0! Whenever I'd refer to someone who was a little older than me, I'd say, "they're at least 30." Well, here I am. Brandon was in the field, so there was no party or big event, but it was a great day.
I also got to walk through graduation at VCSU in May. I still had my big action research project and defense to do, but since they do not have a summer ceremony, summer graduates were allowed to walk through the spring ceremony. I took every class online, so it was fun to meet classmates in person that I had worked with in several courses. A big month, that's for sure!
June: Grandma T celebrated her 100th birthday! My grandma is amazing. She doesn't look a day over 80 and tries to walk 2 miles each day. She has macular degeneration, but takes no medication and does not use a walker. She is incredible! It was fun to see all of my cousins and aunts & uncles at the party. We are blessed with a wonderful family. That same day, Brandon and I also shared the news with our parents and siblings that we were expecting our third child in February! We were elated to add to our family!
Also in June, Jackson and I took a trip to Aberdeen, SD and met Brandon's cousin, who is also a good friend of mine, and her daughter for the weekend. We stayed at a hotel and spent two days in Storybook Land. It was so fun to have one-on-one time with Jackson! Madelyn got to spend time with my parents' at the lake since Brandon was in the field. She had a great time with grandma and grandpa, too!
Summer: Time at the lake and in front of the computer. My parents have a lake place that we visited frequently this summer. Although, it wasn't the warmest summer, we enjoyed our time there. I spent the whole summer writing my action research project. It ended up being close to 90 pages long! Who knew I could do that?! My research was on assessing performance in the music classroom. It was a little difficult since I was not teaching at the time, but I had two fantastic coworkers from West Fargo that helped immensely.
August: Defense and first day of preschool. In August, I finished my research and presented my defense to the dean, my adviser and one of my favorite professors. I was extremely nervous, but it went very well and was not as scary as I had imagined! The all shook my hand when I finished and congratulated me on earning my Master of Education in Teaching and Technology. Whoohoo!
The next week, Jackson started preschool. How did this happen? When did he get so big? He was pretty excited for school, but was the most excited to ride the bus home after school. However, his bus driver forgot he was riding and instead of being the first person off, he rode the whole route and was the last... I was freaking out, but he was as happy as a clam when he was finally dropped off two hours later :)
September: Our loss. I went in for a routine check up at 17 weeks, but found out that we had lost our baby. I had a D & E almost a week later and found out our baby was a girl. We named her Kailyn Corine. She is our special angel. Although it was a horrible time of grief, confusion and sadness, I am glad we had her. She brought Brandon and I even closer and deepened our faith. She showed us how fragile life is and to enjoy each day with each other. She was a precious gift that we didn't have much time with, but will be on our hearts forever.
Brandon also turned 30 this month, but it was during the time between finding out we lost her and my D & E. We celebrated as best we could, but it was not at all how he imagined his big day would be.
November: Brandon's cousin got married. Jackson was the ring bearer and did such a good job! We had fun celebrating with family and the kids had a blast dancing. The loss of Kailyn was still pretty raw, but having the support of both of our families got us through. We had fun swimming at the hotel in the morning with Brandon's cousins' kids before we all headed home.
December: Christmas!! My absolute favorite time of the year is Christmas. I love decorating for Christmas, shopping for gifts and celebrating with our families. I got all the decorating and most of the shopping done on November, so I was able to enjoy the advent season with my kids. I tried to think of fun, but also meaningful activities for us to do while we await Christmas Day. It was so much fun listening to them talk about Jesus, sing Christmas songs and celebrating with both of our families. The excitement in their faces for each of their presents was unmeasurable. So, so fun!!
Brandon and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary on the 29th. We went out last night to celebrate and talked about how much has changed in the last 7 years. It was so fun to think back to our days without children, but in no way do I want to go back! I am so content with our lives right now. I feel blessed to be able to stay home and raise our kids. Brandon is an amazing husband and father. He works hard and enjoys what he does. Life is good.
Happy new year everyone! I hope 2015 is filled with new memories and experiences.
January: Our big guy turned 4. He is a kind-hearted boy who has such a simple, yet deep faith. He is funny, smart and thoughtful. He can play with his farm equipment all day, but also loves to play games and create things with Legos, sand and random things from around the house. He loves his sister who, for the most part, is his best friend.
February: Trip to Arizona. We actually left in January, but came back in February. Brandon's parents have a place down there, so we all flew down to enjoy the sunshine and escape winter for a bit. We went to the Phoenix Zoo, spent time at the pool and visited playgrounds. It was a great trip! I'm so fortunate to have such wonderful in-laws!
March: My sister got married and Madelyn turned two. My sister married her Prince Charming and I had the privilege of standing by her side. Our kids were the ring bearer and flower girl and Brandon was an usher. It was a beautiful day and I got a pretty awesome brother out of the deal!
Madelyn turned two the next week. She is such a sweet little girl who always makes us smile. She loves with all her heart - her brother, mom & dad, animals and her "babies". She will be the most wonderful big sister some day. She loves to dress up, play with her babies and sing in her microphone.
May: I turned the big 3-0! Whenever I'd refer to someone who was a little older than me, I'd say, "they're at least 30." Well, here I am. Brandon was in the field, so there was no party or big event, but it was a great day.
I also got to walk through graduation at VCSU in May. I still had my big action research project and defense to do, but since they do not have a summer ceremony, summer graduates were allowed to walk through the spring ceremony. I took every class online, so it was fun to meet classmates in person that I had worked with in several courses. A big month, that's for sure!
June: Grandma T celebrated her 100th birthday! My grandma is amazing. She doesn't look a day over 80 and tries to walk 2 miles each day. She has macular degeneration, but takes no medication and does not use a walker. She is incredible! It was fun to see all of my cousins and aunts & uncles at the party. We are blessed with a wonderful family. That same day, Brandon and I also shared the news with our parents and siblings that we were expecting our third child in February! We were elated to add to our family!
Also in June, Jackson and I took a trip to Aberdeen, SD and met Brandon's cousin, who is also a good friend of mine, and her daughter for the weekend. We stayed at a hotel and spent two days in Storybook Land. It was so fun to have one-on-one time with Jackson! Madelyn got to spend time with my parents' at the lake since Brandon was in the field. She had a great time with grandma and grandpa, too!
Summer: Time at the lake and in front of the computer. My parents have a lake place that we visited frequently this summer. Although, it wasn't the warmest summer, we enjoyed our time there. I spent the whole summer writing my action research project. It ended up being close to 90 pages long! Who knew I could do that?! My research was on assessing performance in the music classroom. It was a little difficult since I was not teaching at the time, but I had two fantastic coworkers from West Fargo that helped immensely.
August: Defense and first day of preschool. In August, I finished my research and presented my defense to the dean, my adviser and one of my favorite professors. I was extremely nervous, but it went very well and was not as scary as I had imagined! The all shook my hand when I finished and congratulated me on earning my Master of Education in Teaching and Technology. Whoohoo!
The next week, Jackson started preschool. How did this happen? When did he get so big? He was pretty excited for school, but was the most excited to ride the bus home after school. However, his bus driver forgot he was riding and instead of being the first person off, he rode the whole route and was the last... I was freaking out, but he was as happy as a clam when he was finally dropped off two hours later :)
September: Our loss. I went in for a routine check up at 17 weeks, but found out that we had lost our baby. I had a D & E almost a week later and found out our baby was a girl. We named her Kailyn Corine. She is our special angel. Although it was a horrible time of grief, confusion and sadness, I am glad we had her. She brought Brandon and I even closer and deepened our faith. She showed us how fragile life is and to enjoy each day with each other. She was a precious gift that we didn't have much time with, but will be on our hearts forever.
Brandon also turned 30 this month, but it was during the time between finding out we lost her and my D & E. We celebrated as best we could, but it was not at all how he imagined his big day would be.
November: Brandon's cousin got married. Jackson was the ring bearer and did such a good job! We had fun celebrating with family and the kids had a blast dancing. The loss of Kailyn was still pretty raw, but having the support of both of our families got us through. We had fun swimming at the hotel in the morning with Brandon's cousins' kids before we all headed home.
December: Christmas!! My absolute favorite time of the year is Christmas. I love decorating for Christmas, shopping for gifts and celebrating with our families. I got all the decorating and most of the shopping done on November, so I was able to enjoy the advent season with my kids. I tried to think of fun, but also meaningful activities for us to do while we await Christmas Day. It was so much fun listening to them talk about Jesus, sing Christmas songs and celebrating with both of our families. The excitement in their faces for each of their presents was unmeasurable. So, so fun!!
Brandon and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary on the 29th. We went out last night to celebrate and talked about how much has changed in the last 7 years. It was so fun to think back to our days without children, but in no way do I want to go back! I am so content with our lives right now. I feel blessed to be able to stay home and raise our kids. Brandon is an amazing husband and father. He works hard and enjoys what he does. Life is good.
Happy new year everyone! I hope 2015 is filled with new memories and experiences.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Adventures of Elfie: Recap
Here is a recap of our adventures with Elfie starting with Day 1. Enjoy!
Day 1: Arrival letter and North Pole pancakes.
Day 4: Hiding behind an ornament
Day 5: Self portrait
Day 6: Poem about donating toys
Day 7: Riding on a tractor
Day 8: Make a fort
Day 9: Inside the candy bag
Day 10: Candy Land with friends
Day 11: Mustaches and Santa hats on family picture
Day 12: Hanging out in the shower
Day 13: Snowman donuts
Day 14: Dinner with friends
Day 15: Chillin' in the fridge
Day 16: Flour snow angel
Day 17: Flying with planes
Day 18: Message in a wreath
Day 19: Hiding in a light
Day 21: Reading a Christmas story
Day 22: Dressing up in baby clothes
Day 23: Message on the white board
Day 24: Playing with cars
Day 25: Candy cane hunt
Day 26: Goodbye letter and books
Day 1: Arrival letter and North Pole pancakes.
Day 2: Hanging from the chandelier
Day 3: Lincoln Log house
Day 4: Hiding behind an ornament
Day 5: Self portrait
Day 6: Poem about donating toys
Day 7: Riding on a tractor
Day 8: Make a fort
Day 9: Inside the candy bag
Day 10: Candy Land with friends
Day 11: Mustaches and Santa hats on family picture
Day 12: Hanging out in the shower
Day 13: Snowman donuts
Day 14: Dinner with friends
Day 15: Chillin' in the fridge
Day 16: Flour snow angel
Day 17: Flying with planes
Day 18: Message in a wreath
Day 19: Hiding in a light
Day 20: Kneeling at the nativity scene
Day 21: Reading a Christmas story
Day 22: Dressing up in baby clothes
Day 23: Message on the white board
Day 24: Playing with cars
Day 25: Candy cane hunt
Day 26: Goodbye letter and books
We had so much fun with Elfie this year! The first thing we did in the mornings was to look for Elfie. He made us smile and laugh every morning. See you next year, Elfie!
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