It's never really "over".

I really thought that after the procedure, it would be over. I thought that we would slowly move on and continue with our lives. I was feeling empty inside after the surgery, but felt at peace being able to name Kailyn and have a bit of closure. I was ready to move forward.

On Tuesday, the day after surgery, I got a call from our family practitioner. She delivered Jackson and Madelyn and is their pediatrician as well as my primary care doctor. She had decided to quit OB when I was pregnant with Madelyn. Madelyn was actually her last delivery. It was 5:05pm and I was shocked that she called me personally. She said she had received notice of my surgery and was shocked. She pulled up my chart and read about what had happened. She offered her condolences and asked how I was feeling. I shared a summarized version of what had happened and she told me to call if I needed anything. It really meant a lot to me that she took time to call me (after hours). We have been blessed with amazing doctors!

Wednesday (the second day after surgery), I felt awful. I was nauseous, exhausted and emotionally drained. I picked Jackson up from school that afternoon. It was the first time I had been to school since our appointment when we found out we had lost her. It was awkward. I don't know how else to explain it. Most people knew that we had lost our baby. However, I felt like I couldn't make eye contact with anyone. I wanted to be invisible. A good friend of mine who is a teacher at the school, touched my shoulder, smiled and said: I'm not going to say anything, but its good to see you. I smiled back and thanked her. Other people smiled at me with an "I'm sorry" smile. I really didn't know how people would react. Or how I was going to act. It meant a lot to me that my friend didn't ignore me or treat me like nothing happened. We left school and headed home.

Our pastor called the next week to see how we were doing and asked if we had heard from the funeral home. We hadn't so he offered to call and see if they had received our baby from the hospital. They called Brandon later that day and said that they had our baby and would move forward with cremation as soon as we filled out the paperwork. The paperwork was generic paperwork that you would fill out if an adult had passed away. There was so much information to read and places to sign. I did my best to fill out the forms and emailed it to them on Friday afternoon. They called about 20 minutes later and confirmed that they had received the paperwork and would send her to the crematory to be cremated that afternoon. I obviously knew that she was going to be cremated, but to hear them say that it was going to be done that day was really difficult. The lady explained that we could come in and pick out an urn the next week. I got off the phone with them and just sat in the chair and cried. Why did we have to go through this? 

Brandon was able to take time off the next Thursday, so we went in as a family to pick out an urn. I really had no idea what our options would be. We met with the lady I talked to on the phone and she led us downstairs. As we got to the bottom of the stairs, I could see coffins. The room was full of coffins. I had to take a deep breath to control my emotions at that point. My kids have never been to a funeral, so they didn't know what they were looking at. Jackson asked if they were beds and I wasn't going to explain to him what they were so I just said, "kind of". She lead us to the urns. There were large urns along one wall and in the corner were "memory" urns. They were meant for people to take a part of a loved one home. They were no bigger than 3 inches. She explained that the memory urns were the size we would need. The cheap ones were marble and just not what I had imagined. Below them were hearts. Madelyn picked up the brushed nickel heart and said, "we have this one?". Jackson agreed. It was more expensive than the basic ones, but Brandon said not to look at the price but pick one that we all like. We all agreed that the heart would be perfect for Kailyn. The lady prepared the urn with Kailyn's ashes and we finally were able to bring her home.

In the car, I held her. The urn was so much more beautiful than I had imagined. Both Brandon and I agreed that we were not ready to bury her. Because it was so beautiful, we decided to keep it on our dresser. Brandon said it was the only way we would ever be able to hold her. Our kids give her a kiss and say goodnight to her every night. They did that all on their own. It melts my heart every time. 

The next week, I had my follow-up appointment. I had no idea how hard it was going to be. Driving up to the clinic, I started to break down in the car. The last time I had been there, was probably the worst day of my life. I checked in and went to sit in the waiting room. There were three other ladies in there obviously pregnant. I thought about how lucky they were to have carried their babies as far as they had and hoped that they had an appointment with good news...nothing like my last appointment. A nurse called me back within minutes. She shut the curtain in our little room and said, "I wanted to get you out of that waiting room as soon as possible." I thanked her and she continued to share that she had been through a loss and remembers how hard it was to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women. She asked a lot of questions about how I was doing physically and emotionally. She shared different opportunities and groups in Fargo that could help us with our loss. She told me that it was perfectly fine to get our baby a stocking for Christmas or break down when walking past the baby section at Target. She told me that October was Infant Loss Awareness Month and that we could light a candle for our baby on the 15th.

Our candle for Kailyn on October 15th

The nurse said she wanted to make sure she documented everything in the computer so I didn't have to explain what happened every time I went in. She asked how we had found out she had passed, the date of surgery, if we knew the sex and what we named her. I told her we named her Kailyn Corine and tears started to fall down my face. She asked me to spell her name and all I could get out was "K, a, i..." before I broke down. She rubbed my leg and told me it was ok, that I could take all the time I needed. I took a breath and finished spelling her name. She had all the information she needed, but there was not an exam room open yet. However, she said she didn't want me to have to sit in the general waiting room, so she brought me to a chair in the hallway where I could sit and have some privacy. I was amazed at the compassion and warmth that all of the nurses we have had the privilege to be with had shown to me. They were so sympathetic and genuine. 

A room was finally ready. I waited for a while in the room before the doctor came in. We talked about how I was feeling, then she wanted to go over the test results from my blood work. Only one test came back positive, but it was one that could be of concern. I tested positive for Factor V Leiden. My dad's side of the family has a history of blood clots, so this was not a huge surprise to me. The result came out as a homozygous, low risk mutation. She believes that it was not the cause but explained that what can happen with women with Factor V is that a blood clot can develop in the placenta. Because I have had two other perfectly normal pregnancies, she didn't believe that we needed to do anything about it at this point. She said that if I lost another one (which I can't even imagine having to go through again) that we would look at options like blood thinners. She said I could take a baby aspirin when we get pregnant again just as a precaution, but that there is no proof that it actually does anything. I guess we will just see what happens. 

There were so many more emotional hurdles we had to go through after the procedure than I was prepared for. It seemed like I would take two steps forward, then take one step back. One day, things seem normal, then we would have to fill out cremation papers, pick out the urn or go to a follow-up appointment. Now, a little over a month later, I feel like things are starting to slow down. I think the next hurdle will be receiving the bill from the hospital. Just another reminder of what we went through. Then, if we are fortunate enough to get pregnant again, we will have more appointments and ultrasounds than we have had in the past. I know I will go into each appointment apprehensive about what we will find out. It's never really going to be "over". But, if we have to go through this, I am so glad I have my husband, family and friends. The support we have received has been overwhelming. I know Kailyn has touched many lives in her very short life. That means so much to me. I am honored that God chose me to be her mom even though I never got to hold her.

Baby Kailyn Corine: Our last day together

The day I had been dreading had finally come. It was Monday and we needed to be at the Same Day Surgery Center by 10am for my 11:40 surgery. I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything after midnight, so my nervous stomach was empty when I went to take my shower in the morning. Brandon and I watched TV to kill some time, trying to take our mind off of the inevitable. The walk to the car was hard. I was feeling ok getting ready at home, but once we started walking, I could no longer be strong. I cried silently in the car, curled up in a ball and leaned up against the window for the first half of the drive. Brandon held my hand and we drove in silence. Once we arrived at the Same Day Surgery building, I took a deep breath and got out of the car. Brandon and I held hands as we slowly walked in.

Brandon's mom was already there. She was going to sit with Brandon while I was in surgery. The lady at the desk was extra cheery that morning. I think it was her way of trying to help us feel comfortable, but it was way too overwhelming. I answered her questions and the other receptionist took Brandon aside and explained what his schedule would look like for the day. After we were checked in, we walked over to sit by Brandon's mom. She stood up and we hugged. I could no longer control my emotions. Here we were, going to say goodbye to the baby we never got to meet. I wasn't ready, but I don't think I would ever have been ready. Before I could even sit down, a nurse came out and called me back. She said I had to go in by myself for the first half hour while they got me changed and prepped for surgery. I really wanted Brandon to be with me the whole time, but she insisted there was not room.

Once we got to the room, I realized why he couldn't come with. In the room was a recliner and a lamp. An extra chair was shoved in the corner by the door. There was barely any room for me and the nurse. I answered a few questions, then received instructions on how to put on the operating gown. After I was dressed, she put on my blood pressure cuff, hooked up the heater to my gown and covered me with warm blankets. She explained that I needed to be warm for surgery. I sat in the recliner for a while, warming up, watching TV. Another nurse came in and asked me even more questions. After some time and a warm glove, she was able to get the IV into my hand. When that was over with, she went to go get Brandon. He walked in with his mom and our pastor. The tiny little room was packed. However, it was nice to have company. We chatted about our kids and his grand kids. My doctor peeked her head in and asked if I was ready. I wasn't, but I shook my head yes. She explained that we still had a few minutes, but shortly, I would be sent to the OR. She rubbed my feet and gave me an "its going to be ok" smile. I am so glad she was the one doing the procedure. Even though I only had 3 appointments with her, she is a fantastic, compassionate doctor and I was relieved she was there.

Another nurse came in and went through our options for the "remains". Brandon and I were already aware of our options, but were told we had a month after the procedure to make a decision. I'm glad we talked about it beforehand because we needed to make a decision right there. We told her we would like our baby to go to a funeral home. She said she would take care of calling them and that once they received our baby, they would give us a call about what we wanted to do. I had been meaning to call the funeral home before the procedure, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was relieved that she was going to take care of that for us. She helped me to the bathroom and we went back into the room to pray. Our pastor prayed a beautiful prayer, asking God to help me feel His presence during surgery and to wrap his arms around our baby. The image of God wrapping his arms around our baby was powerful. I smiled while tears dripped off of my face. We prayed the Lord's Prayer together. Then, it was time to go. I hugged my pastor and mother-in-law and thanked them for being there for us. Then I hugged my husband. I was trying to be strong, but once again my emotions took over.

I walked down the hall with the nurse. She told me that she had been through the same thing we were going through. She said, "I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is hard, but I promise you, it does get easier with time." She opened the door and we were in the operating room. I think there were 4 people in the room. They were all suited up with masks and hair nets. The anesthesiologist told me to lay down on the table. There were boards for each of my arms to go on. Tears were pouring out of my eyes as I look up at the lights. This is it. This is the end. My doctor came up to me and started rubbing my arm. She said I will be asleep soon, but kept rubbing my arm and stayed by my side. I felt a burning sensation in my hand, which the anesthesiologist explained was the drugs starting to enter my body. He put an oxygen mask on my face and told me to take 4 deep breaths. After the four breaths, I was still awake. However, I only remember breathing in one more time...

It was really hard to open my eyes. I was in a different room and a nurse was right next to me typing in the computer. She looked over at me and said "Hi Erin, how are you feeling?" I felt fine. I was still really tired and just laid there, trying to wake up. I felt some cramping in my stomach, so she went to get me a warm blanket to place on top. I saw a water cup with my name on it and asked if I could have some. My throat was really scratchy and I could hardly talk. She explained it was because of the breathing tube they inserted during surgery. I guzzled the water (It was 1:15pm and I hadn't had anything to drink since 11:30pm the night before). It tasted really good. I had to wait in the post-op room until a spot opened up in the recovery room. Brandon could join me in the recovery room, so I was anxious to get back there. My doctor came over and asked me how I was doing. She explained that everything went well. By some miracle, our baby came out in tact and she was able to examine the spine and other parts. She told me the baby had 10 fingers and 10 toes. In her words, she said the baby was perfect. Then, to my surprise, she said that she told Brandon, with confidence, that she knew the sex of the baby. I wanted to know so bad, but she said that Brandon wanted to tell me. Everything she said was music to my ears. Although this was such an awful day, knowing that our baby came out whole and we could give him/her a name gave me a sense of peace. Now, I was super excited to get back to the recovery room!

Finally, the nurse came back and said a spot opened up. She wheeled me back there and got my cinnamon raisin toast ready. It was delicious. Brandon had left for lunch, but the nurse said the receptionist would send him right back to recovery when he got back. About 5 minutes later, he walked in. My cramps went away after I finished my toast. He asked how I was doing and my only complaint was my throat. I told him what the doctor said and anxiously awaited his answer. Our baby was a girl. I knew in my heart she was a girl, but hearing him say it and knowing we could name her was such a relief. We decided to name her Kailyn, as that was the girl name we had already picked out for this baby. We hadn't discussed middle names yet, but at least we could stop calling our baby "it" and refer to her as "she", "her" or Kailyn. The nurse took me to the bathroom and I got dressed. Shortly, we were released. We walked out the parking lot and told Brandon's mom that the baby was a girl and that her name is Kailyn.

On the way home, we stopped at DQ. I needed something more than toast in my stomach and thought a chocolate malt would both sooth my throat and fill my tummy. I text my family about the surgery and told them the good news we learned about baby Kailyn. I was so glad that they didn't find anything wrong with her. Brandon and I really want to have another baby and if there was something wrong, we would worry about trying for another one. I realize that there was something wrong, but it was not anything that could be explained by the doctors. To me, it is a sign that God had plans for her up in Heaven.

We came home to our quiet house. The kids were still at my parents' house and wouldn't be back until later that afternoon. We talked about middle names and decided on Corine. My great grandmother's name was Corine and I've always thought it was a beautiful name. She is the only great grandparent that I ever had the chance to meet. We thought it went beautifully with Kailyn.

I decided to take a nap and Brandon went to do a few things outside in the yard. A nap was a good idea, but I couldn't sleep. Once again, my mind was going 100 miles an hour. On the way home, we were talking about planting a tree in memory of baby Kailyn and burying her there. We were going to take down a big tree that almost blew over in a storm a few weeks ago. In place of that tree, we want to plant a tree that is beautiful in the fall. I want the tree/memorial to be beautiful because I know that our baby Kailyn was beautiful. We could plant flowers around it with the kids each spring, remembering the baby we never got to hold. My fear is that we will stop talking about Kailyn. By having a beautiful tree in our yard, we will be reminded of angel baby every time we look at it. During my "nap", I envisioned the tree and the landscaping around it. I hope it turns out as beautiful as it is in my mind.

Mom brought the kids over and Brandon put a pizza in the oven for dinner. Since my attempt at a nap was unsuccessful, I came downstairs for supper. We told the kids that the baby in mommy's tummy was a girl, their sister, and we named her Kailyn Corine. Throughout the evening, Madelyn kept asking if I had a baby in my tummy. It was difficult to keep telling her no and explaining why. How do you explain to a two year old that their baby sister, whom they never had the chance to meet but wanted very much to be her big sister, had died and was no longer in mommy's tummy? I explained that Kailyn had died and is now living with God in Heaven. Then the conversation switched to questions about Heaven. When will we go? Will Kailyn always be a baby or will she grow up in Heaven (this was Jackson's question - he amazes me)? Will we get to hold her? Who will she play with? Are there toys in Heaven? How did she get up there? Where is Heaven? Although I didn't know the answers to most of the questions (I don't think anyone does, actually), I took a few moments to imagine like a child. We shared our ideas about what we thought Heaven would be like. I imagined going through the golden gates, Kailyn running towards me with her arms open and finally being able to hold her close. It brings me to tears to think about, but at the same time, fills my heart with joy.

We put the kids to bed, snuggled them a bit tighter and gave them extra kisses and hugs. Life was beginning to go back to "normal."