Baby Kailyn Corine: Trying to understand

After waking up at 4am and crying in bed for an hour, I decided to go downstairs and write an email to my doctor's office. I explained that we had made a decision to forward and have a D and E. I had a few questions about it and told them I wanted to schedule it as soon as possible, but we wanted to avoid Friday as that was Brandon's birthday. They called later that afternoon to answer my questions. Since it was already Wednesday afternoon and they were not able to get me in on Thursday, we had to wait for Monday. It scared me to think that the baby might come when I was at home. The fact that it could happen any time really worried me. I discussed this fear with the nurse on the phone and she explained how it usually happens, what to expect and where to go if it does happen. At least I knew what to do.

Our pastor came over later that morning to pray and talk with us. Their family had been through two losses and it was nice to talk to someone who had been through what we are going through. He assured us that it gets better, but that the day of the procedure would be one of the worst days. He prayed a beautiful prayer and told us he would be at the hospital before I went in the OR. That evening, my sister and her husband brought over supper. Just as we were sitting down to eat, our pastor's wife brought over another supper. She shared with us a comment someone made to her while she was going through a loss that helped her. She said, some day, when we go to heaven, we will get to name our baby. One thing I really wanted was to know the sex of our baby so we could name him or her. Knowing I still would have that chance was something I could hold on to. It was great to talk to my sister about our experience. It was also fun to hear our kids laughing in the living room with Brandon and their uncle. Their laughter and pure joy fills my heart.

Once again, that night I was able to fall asleep, but woke up at 4am again. Instead of laying in bed thinking, I decided to start writing about what happened. I started a post on Facebook, carefully choosing my words, trying to describe what had happened. Putting our experience into words helped me talk about it later. I waited to post it until I was sure I was ready. Once I hit "post", I felt a sense of relief. Our story was out there and it was no longer a secret. Here is the post from Facebook:

The comments we received were overwhelming. 107 people sent us their thoughts and prayers just on this post. I also received several texts and private messages from close friends and family as well as friends I have not seen or talked to in years. This overwhelming support touched my heart in so many ways. I did not write this post so people felt sorry for us. I wrote it for me, for our baby, so our story could be told. I did not want to hide it, sit at home and feel sorry for myself or pretend it didn't happen. It happened and I wanted to talk about it. 

Sanford called several times today. They called to confirm my appointment on Monday, but also said another nurse would be calling on Friday to give me the exact time. Another nurse called to go over some of my medical history. It was emotionally draining to talk on the phone. Every time a nurse said they were so sorry for our loss, it was hard to choke back the tears and thank them. I know they mean well and are sad for us, but it is hard to hear those words over and over.

My mom came over during Madelyn's nap and visited with me. I was beginning to accept what had happened, but still would break down at times. Sometimes I could talk about it without any tears, but other times, just thinking about what happened would push me over the edge. It was an emotional roller coaster and I didn't know if I would ever get off the ride.

Friday was Brandon's 30th birthday. The kids get so excited about birthdays and don't understand why mom and dad don't have parties when we have birthdays! We baked and decorated cupcakes, blew up balloons, wrapped his presents and signed his cards. I wanted to make his birthday as happy as possible at this time. It was also homecoming in Kindred, so we took the kids to the parade. I didn't want them to miss it as they were so excited earlier that week to go. I was afraid to go out in public. I wasn't ready for hugs or talking to too many people. My wound was still really fresh and I was feeling broken. However, it was nice to get out of the house and do something fun with the kids. My mom picked up spaghetti dinners to go and we ate at our house. Brandon's parents also came over, so we had cupcakes and sang "Happy Birthday" to Brandon. The kids were excited that we were having a "party"!

We read books in our bed, like we usually do, as a family, said prayers together and tucked in the kids. When I went to kiss them goodnight when we were finally ready for bed, they both had their hands above their heads like our baby did in the ultrasound. That was all it took for me to lose it again.

On Saturday, my mom, sister and I went to the Junk Market. I had been looking forward to the Junk Market for a long time and thought it might take my mind off of this situation for a bit. We all came home with some cool junk and had a lot of fun. Mom dropped me off and ended up staying and talking for almost three hours. Mom and dad were going out for supper because it was their anniversary. Brandon called and said his parents would keep the kids overnight if we wanted to go out for supper for his birthday. After stopping at several steak houses, then leaving because it was an hour or more wait, we ended up at Season's at Rose Creek. We had a lovely meal and enjoyed some much needed alone time.

I noticed that my stomach was shrinking. I no longer had my baby bump and actually wore one of my regular shirts when Brandon and I went out. My rapidly shrinking stomach makes me believe that our baby was just small and didn't actually pass when I was 14 weeks like the doctor thought. The first time I noticed I was shrinking/not growing was about a week before we went in for my 17 week appointment. I keep thinking about Labor Day weekend when I felt the baby move for the first and only time. I know what I felt was the baby and believe that it was just smaller than average. It is hard to look in the mirror and see my stomach return to normal. Any other time, I would be super excited to have a shrinking stomach, but this time, I would give anything to have my bump back. I knew it would be even smaller after Monday and that was difficult to think about.

We decided not to go to church on Sunday. I wasn't ready to talk to too many people and knew I would get a lot of hugs that would just make me cry. The next day was my surgery and I just wanted to be home and "enjoy" my last day with my baby. Brandon went to work for a few hours, so the kids and I tried to clean up the house a bit. Mom picked up the kids later that afternoon. They were going to stay overnight so they wouldn't have to see us leave in the morning. I wasn't sure what I would feel like in the morning getting ready  to go for the surgery.

I was having a hard time letting go. When other friends have been through this same thing, I always thought to myself how awful it would be to have a deceased baby inside. However, when it happened to me, I felt just the opposite. I wanted that baby inside of me. I wasn't ready to let go. I knew that after my surgery, that was it. I wouldn't be pregnant anymore and I wouldn't ever feel this baby again. On one hand, I wanted it to be over because I was constantly worrying that the baby would pass at home. On the other hand, I wanted to keep it close to me. I slept a total of 2 hours that night, mostly made up of short 10-20 minute naps. So many things were going through my head and I just couldn't relax. Morning was going to come quickly and I felt there was nothing I could do that could prepare me for what was going to happen...

Baby Kailyn Corine: What a parent fears most

On Tuesday, September 16th, I went in for my next check-up at 17 weeks 2 days. Brandon stayed home to watch the kids since my mom was going to a funeral and his mom had to work. I was a little nervous for this appointment since I had only felt the baby move one time two weeks ago on Labor Day weekend, then never again. However, when I mentioned it to the doctor, she said that it is totally normal right now to not feel consistent movement. I was only up one pound and my blood pressure was 110/70. We discussed my next appointment, which would be my 20 week ultrasound. She wanted to know if we were finding out the gender, but I told her we were still debating on that issue. I told her about my lower back pain I was having along with a shooting pain every once in a while. She said it was sciatic nerve pain, which was good because it meant my uterus was growing. She told me to hop up on the table so we could check the heartbeat and then I could be on my way.

It wasn't that simple. She squirted some warm jelly on my belly and began to move the Doppler around. All I could hear was my own heartbeat slowly getting faster and faster. We were both silent while she continued to move it around. She shut it off and said not to worry. She was going to get the ultrasound machine to find the baby since it was being "difficult" today. She was back in a couple seconds and we tried again. However, this time, there was no sound at all. Baby showed up on the screen right away, but it was silent. Doctor T was also silent. She zoomed in and out, tried the Doppler on the same spot, zoomed in even more, then looked at me. Tears were welling up in my eyes because I knew what was going on. She said, "Erin, I am not finding a heartbeat. This is a crapy ultrasound, but it's just not picking anything up." I shook my head, understanding what she was saying, but not wanting to believe it. She shut off the machine and helped me sit up. She explained that she was going to run over to the ultrasound area and see if they could get me in right away to confirm. Tears were now rolling of my face, while I silently cried. She came over to give me a hug and I lost it. I held on to her so tightly and sobbed. I remember her saying, "Oh Erin, I am so sorry." When I finally let her go, her face was red and tears were streaming down her face. She told me to call my husband to see if he could rush up here to be with me while she ran down to the ultrasound area.

Brandon answered right away. I'm sure he thought my appointment was over and I was going to fill him in on how strong the heartbeat was and that I only gained one pound. He said hi and I was able to whisper hi back. Then there was silence. It took all of my strength to say, "we lost our baby". The second those words came out of my mouth, I lost it. He whispered, "Oh no...". Then told me he was going to call his dad to come over and watch the kids and that he would be at the clinic as soon as he could. I was so relieved to know he would be there with me.

Doctor T was back right after we hung up. She said they could see me right away. I met the ultrasound tech and sat in the chair by the bed in the dark room. She said she had to wait until the order went through before we could do anything. I sat there for at least 10 minutes until she finally told me I could lay down. I was trying to take deep breaths while she started up the machine and prepared my belly for the ultrasound. She asked if I wanted the screen on and I said yes. She told me she could turn it off anytime if it was too much. Then there it was, our little baby. I focused on the screen, praying to see the straight line at the bottom start to move. Praying that this couldn't be real. Then, all of a sudden, I felt a moment of peace. I stared at my baby, looking at its profile, smiling because I could see it's hands were above its head. It reminded me of how Jackson and Madelyn sleep. I was able to count all ten fingers on its hands. Baby looked so peaceful laying there. The image of my little one at that moment is forever in my memory.

All of a sudden, the screen went black. The tech said, "I'm so sorry." It was over. I asked her if she could see if it was a boy or a girl and she told me it was just too small and apologized again. I wiped off the extra jelly, pulled up my maternity pants and was told I could wait in the chair again while she went to see if my doctor was ready to see me. I literally waited in that chair for 20 minutes. It didn't seem like 20 minutes, but I kept watching the clock, the looking at the screen saver on the computer, thinking about how we were going to tell the kids, wanting to start making phone calls, but not knowing when she was coming back. Finally, there was a knock at the door and a different nurse peeked in and asked me what my name was. She opened the door a little further and let Brandon in. I stood up and hugged him with no plans to let go. We cried together. I felt a sense of relief, knowing I didn't have to do anymore of this by myself. We sat down and held hands. I told him about the ultrasound and how peaceful the baby was. I was sad he didn't get to see our baby one last time. I didn't even think to ask her to print a few pictures out.  It all happened so quickly, yet time seemed to stand still.

Finally, Dr. T was ready to meet with us. She first told us what they were able to find out during the ultrasound. Although I was 17 weeks along, baby's arms and legs measured 13 weeks, chest measured 14 weeks and head measured 14 weeks 5 days. She said it is common for the limbs to stop growing when there is a problem so the important organs can keep growing (heart & brain). She estimated that baby passed away between 14 and 15 weeks. However, Brandon and I believe that since the baby was already almost a week behind during our first ultrasound at 9 weeks, that my weeks and the baby's weeks didn't match up. I know I felt baby move when I was 15 weeks on Labor Day. But, it was the one and only time.

She also discussed our options moving forward. Before we met with her, I wanted to deliver baby in the hospital, as normal as possible. However, she explained that the risks for bleeding and blood clots are very high. With my family history of blood clots, it was really not a safe option for me. Another option was a D and E. It is a surgical procedure used to remove a baby during the second trimester (a D and C is the name of the procedure used in a first trimester loss). Dr. T described this as our safest option because she would make sure she got everything out. The third option was to "wait and see", pass it at home. However, she said it could happen anytime from right then to two months from now. Personally, I would be terrified to pass it at home, knowing not everything would come out and I would end up in the ER. We told her we were leaning toward the D and E. She gave us a little more information on the procedure and what to expect afterwards. She cautioned us that the baby would most likely not be in tact when the procedure was over, but that the remains could given to a funeral home and we could eventually bury our baby. She told us to think it over and call her the next day when we made our decision. She also talked to us about burial options including a commingle burial where all remains from miscarried babies are cremated and buried together in Fargo twice a year. The other option, besides the funeral home, was for the hospital to dispose of the remains. This was not considered as an option for us.

After meeting with our doctor, we met with a nurse who gave us a book and some more information on miscarriage to read when we were ready. She reviewed burial options and expressed her sympathies. Dr. T ordered multiple blood tests to be done, so I was walked down to the lab. When I was called back, the nurse said "So, how is your day going today?" I told her "not very good". She asked why and I tried to get it out before I started to cry, but was unsuccessful. She apologized and told me she would get me out of here as soon as she could. However, my veins are terrible for blood draws, so she tried two times and went to get another nurse. Finally they were successful. Seven tubes of blood later, I was finally free to go. Brandon and I had two cars at the clinic, so we drove home separately. I knew I needed to call my family, but I was still in shock and emotionally drained.

I knew my mom was at a funeral, but tried her phone anyway. No answer. I called my dad, who answered right away. It started out like a normal conversation, then quickly changed. We talked for a while, said I love you, then hung up. I decided to call my sister. No answer. Finally, we were home. We talked about how we would tell the kids. Jeff dropped Madelyn off. Jackson was at preschool. Brandon and I both laid with Madelyn in her twin bed and read books to her before her nap. My sister called back and I broke the news to her. Brandon called his brothers and tried to reach his mom. I called my brother, but he already knew. My dad and Kyle stopped by a little later to see how we were doing. Jackson got off the bus and we sat the kids down at the kitchen counter. I talked to them about what had happened. Trying to give them enough information to understand, but not go into too much detail. Jackson was sad and seemed to understand. Madelyn just kept asking me "where is your baby?"

My sweet, sensitive little 4 year old reminded us that our baby was in heaven with God. He said "God's going to take care of the baby, right?" I knew and believed that too, but hearing him say those words really comforted me. He had a lot of questions about heaven. What was it like? How did the baby get up there? How long is forever? He also had questions about why the baby died. It was hard to answer because we didn't know. I told him that there was probably something wrong with the baby that God needed to fix. He asked if baby was sad and I told him no. He said he was excited to see the baby when he goes to heaven...I smiled and could no longer control the tears welling up in my eyes. They started to fall down my cheek and Jackson said "what is coming out of your eyes, mom?" He gave me a hug and started to stroke my hair. I explained that this was really hard for mommy and that he might see me cry because I'm sad. Our roles reversed for a moment. He was comforting me and I needed it. I asked him if he had any more questions and he said "can we go outside?" It was a beautiful fall day, so we headed outside.

A little while later, my mom came over. Dad had been able to get a hold of her and tell her the news. She was devastated just as we were. I talked with her about everything that happened that day. It felt so good to have my mom. She stayed with us while Brandon went into town to get some food for supper. Brandon's mom came over a little later and helped me get the kids ready for bed while Brandon was outside working on some equipment. She left while we were reading books and talked with Brandon outside. The kids prayed for baby. This was Jackson's prayer: Dear God, please take care of my baby sister...well if it was a girl or a boy... Amen. Brandon came in after prayers, but just in time to tuck them in. I noticed Jackson had tears in his eyes, so I asked him if he was sad. He shook his head yes. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said "I'm just sad that the baby died and I don't get to see it". I gave him a big hug and told him I feel the same way. He asked me if I would lay with him until he fell asleep, which of course I did. It broke my heart to see him so sad. I know how excited he was to have a baby in the house and to be a big brother again. He fell asleep in minutes, but I laid with him for much longer.

Brandon and I talked about our options when we went to bed. We decided to have the D and E and have the remains go to the funeral home. Brandon was going to call our pastor in the morning and rearrange schedules, so he could be close to home. Somehow, I was able to fall asleep. However, I woke up at 4:00 in the morning to go to the bathroom and started thinking about why I had to go...because I was pregnant. I got back to bed and just sobbed. I really didn't know how I was going to get through this nightmare.

Baby Kailyn Corine: Her story begins

Brandon and I found out we were pregnant on June 16th, 2014. We had hoped for a February 2015 baby and our dream came true! I went online to calculate my due date, which came out to be February 22nd 2015. My Grandma celebrated her 100th birthday on Saturday of that week, where we also shared the news with our immediate family. Of course both of our parents were ecstatic to have another grandchild.

My pregnancy was identical to my other two. I occasionally had a queezy stomach that could be cured by eating something. I was very tired, more so with this one, but I assumed it was because I was home with my other two children 24 hours a day. It seemed like we waited forever for our first appointment, but it finally came on July 23rd when I was 9 weeks 3 days. My blood pressure was spot on (110/70) and I had put on five pounds (mostly because I was constantly eating so I would not feel sick). We were so excited to see our little peanut and announce our big news to the rest of our family and friends. Baby measured a bit small, but the doctor said we will keep the due date on February 22nd because I was sure on my dates. Baby's heartbeat was a strong and fast 176 bpm.

After the appointment, Brandon and I went out to eat and talked about how our future will change with a third child. We talked about how we would need a new vehicle, move Madelyn into Jackson's room and where we would put the pack-n-play in our bedroom for the first few weeks after we brought the baby home. Baby was loved so much and we were envisioning our new life, as chaotic as it might be, with him/her. We caught ourselves unable to stop smiling and I remember giggling when we discussed how crazy it could be.

We came home and told our kids the big news. Both of them cheered, smiled and clapped their hands when we told them they would be a big brother and sister. I sent out this announcement to family and friends a couple days later. I love the excitement in their faces!

Madelyn easily transitioned into Jackson's room. Jackson was more than excited to have his sister join him and Madelyn couldn't stop talking about her new "pink bed". Most of the time they are best friends and so far, it has been wonderful having them share a room. I think it turned out pretty cute :)

On August 19th, I had my next 4 week check-up at 13 weeks 2 days. I only gained two pounds and my blood pressure was 112/70. The Doppler picked up the heartbeat right away and Dr. T was very
happy with the strong heartbeat of 160-170 bpm. I was feeling great except for the fatigue and trouble
finding a good spot to sleep. Jackson started preschool two days later. He was so excited to start school!

I used my "free time" in the afternoon while he was at preschool and Madelyn slept to work on my defense for my Master degree that was scheduled for the next week. I passed my defense and received my Master of Education in Teaching and Technology. Everything was lining up and I felt very proud of the things I had accomplished after turning 30 in May.

It seemed a little odd to me that I was not showing as much as I had with Madelyn at this point. People would ask me "when are you going to start showing" or say "I was humongous at 16 weeks". The week before my next 4 week check-up, I asked Brandon if he thought my stomach was getting smaller because I sure felt that way. Here are the only belly pics I took of this pregnancy (12 and 16 weeks):

Life was great.